Roar Shack (2012)

INTERIOR BAR THE DRANK MEANT FOR US TO DIE OUT
The door swings open and shoving his head into the bar, keeping the door propped open with that body thing,
FINBAR
Are you all open?
PAT
(The man behind the bar)
Pardon?
FRANK
(The man on the stool)
I don't work here!
PAT
Sir, are you deliberately trying to cross my bar or just bedazzle them?
FINBAR
So you are open for business?
PAT
All of them are open!
FRANK
It's money well spent...
PAT
For you obviously -
FRANK
Oh, it's all money well spent for you.
PAT
It's OK. This one is special and will last forever because it is exotic, unlikely and the rest of them?
FRANK
You went to the truth?
PAT
It's even in English!
FRANK
Just drop it; it's an Irish bar.
PAT
In English in: we can hold you!
FRANK
Don't scare him with the poetry.
PAT
Poetry? Music is it is that what we need now? A little of the wavey business then?
Quietude lurking learing and the like professing a manhood growing in harms way:
FINBAR
So come to destroy my luck and scare me off me potty gold with mere cold?
...
FINBAR (CONT'D)
Actually -
...
FRANK
'Whatever you say.'
...
FINBAR
Uhmmmmmm...
FRANK
'Whatever you say,' and maybe this afternoon will be worth leaving to other ones for now.
FINBAR
Whatever you say.
FRANK
How many?
FINBAR
How many?
PAT
That's what's needed: questioning! Exactly son exactly done! So then me turn... How many bars or bar?
FINBAR
Why not every one?
PAT
So you are_
FINBAR
Irish -
PAT
Yes now! Especially now that I cement the fate.
Finbar, sitting, applauds with an visceral ineptitude:
FRANK
Great -
PAT
Kill his only child why don't you?
FRANK
Exaggeration: pleased meat too.
PAT
Well he can't tell what he just sat on.
FRANK
Sure he can.
FINBAR
Uhm: should I get tender with myself and cry a pint of blood or what?
...
FRANK
I hope you die before the day's out.
PAT
I hope not bar none bar none! What'll it turn on then? Beer here beer here! Not a worry thirsty is you congratulations merry wit sure not to blame for the time of sky today! Hope you're looking up! As they say, and they still say looking up is it not?
FINBAR
I'll die alone eventually but this constant fifty fifty is tossing my turn!
PAT
O U!
Drinking - yay - the thirst questioner!
PAT (CONT'D)
You all think little people are just dwarfs...
...
FRANK
Dwarfs...
FINBAR
Midget sized elves of hulking gold silly folk! Great beer! Harp!
FRANK
...
PAT
...
FRANK
...
FINBAR
Miller Light?
PAT
You are correct, Sir! Another Miller Light quite presidential I might add eventuahood right - right that is somewhere: dwarfs?
FRANK
...
FINBAR
I loved that piece...
PAT
Yes?
FINBAR
That piece by...
PAT
Chopin is it? Good lad; good lad. Friedrick Chopin. A Frenchman died of Spain I'm afraid: frightfully superstitious.
FINBAR
Uhmmm -
FRANK
(To the pint before him)
You liver lillied turn coat! You cotton picking knight shade! You cheater!
He gulps it down the watery yellow business!
FINBAR
Stone cold: Sobertooth...
PAT
I liked this town a lot and then the You-tube's prior honkies.
FINBAR
Honky?
FRANK
It's pronounced hanky.
FINBAR
Racist, I'm sure.
FRANK
Racish please: don't!
PAT
Well well well: shazzam!
FRANK
How did you ever get those nuclear code keys right to mess the White House fitness?
PAT
Bloody hell!
Uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm: 'he.'
PAT (CONT'D)
Too much to meet you really you're a bloody saint let me freshen up your bloody water. What has been and for how long?
FINBAR
Stake-out; parched well done -
PAT
You cheeky bugger!
FRANK
How did you ever get hold of the nuclear weapon?
FINBAR
Oh of course - that's right - from us - a pint.
PAT
Cheeky cheeky cheeky cheeky -
FINBAR
Beering -
FRANK
Whatever you say; could I get a pint?
PAT
A what?
FRANK
Beer.
FINBAR
A pint of beer -
PAT
The beers here come in large, x-tra large and largest: there is no small beer here, Sirage.
FINBAR
Do it come in ofar sizes than pines o boxes fen u bloody Carribean!
PAT
...

FRANK
I should think not.
PAT
...
FINBAR
Ello men o peas.
PAT
...
FINBAR
Pleaaase: please please please please please?
PAT
O you lost hell really saintly state o'play?
FINBAR
Anything -
The bar-keep, Pat, pours Finbar a beer of Killian's Red. (Beer)
PAT
@hm! The last time! I had to explain to fairies why none got offed by the bulk of a rear-end! I nearly walked to Australia out o'shear humiliation mind you! Feelings! Feelings man! You must feel your way to the bar!
FINBAR
I'm a lawyer.
FRANK
He's a lawyer.
PAT
You're a lawyer are you in this town of the Democrat Democrat Democracy of Republican Rooes a human 'tude of isled gettin' prancing babies?! You're a lawyer?
FRANK
Sports -
FINBAR
A doctor hoping to sleep through some nightmare.
PAT
I'll train the puce papist: a week. Uhman: that'll be five dollars for the draught.
FINBAR
Oh yeah: sure Sam sure.
FRANK
Sure he says.
PAT
Bloody Irish murder!
FINBAR
My name's Fin.
Raucous laughter:
..
.
...
PAT
Well, pardon me...
FINBAR
It's OK. I spell it FinN.
PAT
Excuse me, excommunicator of all things magical and free like life, liberty and property.
FINBAR
...
PAT
Finbar: extraction is it? Let me see some ID. Finbar?! He thinks he's going to get some love now he does even after committing monetary infanticide.
FINBAR
I am a hydrofoil.
PAT
I'M WILLING TO LEAVE HERE! THAT'S THE THING! THAT'S WHAT I'M WANTING TO HAVE DONE_!
Hehehehehehhehehe -
FRANK
There you go. I knew you Irish had a sense of humor.
FINBAR
@uhm! There you go. I knew you Irish had a sense of humor.
PAT
Cheeky cheeky cheeky bugger -
FINBAR
Hydrofoil...
PAT
Alright a doctor twert.
FINBAR
... And all with the great dictionary of uniting states?!
PAT
Over to you?
FINBAR
3 to 5.
PAT
Explainable?
FRANK
Unbelievable -
PAT
So you see - theatre - potatoe man is why you run for the Presidency.
FINBAR
That was him.
FRANK
That was him.
PAT
AND NOW YOU EXPLAIN YOUR BLOODY MEMORY FOR ALL YOUR GODAMN WORTH MAN OR I'LL HAVE YOUR PAPIST THRONE!
FINBAR
Shit! Uhm, Nightjob: 'A Curious Thing Happened To The Dog At Night,' and 'You Know Me Al.'
PAT
Now one two?
FINBAR
Please two one -
PAT
And one two is longer -
FINBAR
And the dead are favorited -
...
PAT
Righty-o was all important for clothing.
FINBAR
- And the potatoe!
FRANK
Nut job -
PAT
You're relieved I see.
FINBAR
Fictional hood -
PAT
Dripping navel -
FRANK
That was my favorite memory.
PAT
It's a nose says I when the sleepers rise.
FRANK
It's only to happen a thousand times she rise; she rise.
PAT
21, 12: let's call the whole thing off.
FRANK
You're wrong and one is being stolen as a play now.
PAT
Do tell.
FRANK
Rang Gang -
PAT
Impossible to do.
FRANK
No complaining - just starving and back to Africa for more Cassava.
PAT
And you'll call tapioca cream if I'm gone YOU PAPIST PAPIST LIAR!
Hehehehehehehe -
FRANK
Milan...
PAT
Public...
FINBAR
Uzis this time -
PAT
Oh no no NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PAPISTS!
*(&^*&%*
*&^(*&
*&^(*&
FRANK
This is Sparta.
PAT
This is Sparta.
FRANK
This is Sparta.
FINBAR
@hm, Sparta was an old republic in a foreign non commercial zone without much of an acqua marine sea faring knowledge of barnacles but with a legendary marine culture of metal that disappeared shortly before people with the eye color grey started calling themselves the dread lord A-ten-hut.
PAT
They'll say no!
FINBAR
A-ten-hut was a female born out of a mosquito that gave that god of lighting a spitting headache.
FRANK
No.
FINBAR
Oh how I miss reminiscing about the Irish Civil War and our great emancipator.
PAT
70s. Pretty cool. Very Irish. Orange President.
FRANK
What does it say?
FINBAR
(Looking up at the ceiling)
It took me in, you know, and then he just never admitted that I knew the definition of it.
FRANK
That's weird comic book, kid: weird, weird, weird!
FINBAR
I can't draw.
FRANK
Sure, it's all over now. Just give me a hug.
FINBAR
I'm there.
PAT
At the trial YOU PAPIST FALL WORSHIPPERS!
FRANK
So what?
PAT
Quit: no saints though I touched you. Want to kill us all again for the horse people you strange Orange man of sun tanning?
Finbar laughs.
PAT (CONT'D)
Right then doctor spot on and for a very long time: drunk and drove after what happened at his private club and all because the princess of height - second born of course - couldn't handle relaxation with all of it all the time. Quit. That building is moving to the front of the class with pride now in good form and quite correct; UNLIKE THE POPE!
FRANK
Alright.
FINBAR
Me too right now.
Phones/ smart: popping and clicking the attitude of this cheating vibration your internship my soul: literati.
This takes time and time is all important and this one is a preferential treatment of a concept: all that we have while you consider place.
You have.
To lose.
Forgone.
Hiss, you know? Boo and hiss knowing everything and preparing naught. Because it takes time.
Far too long and fall to red and that is the equation of unluckered.*
That time I felt I quivered not I road rot retold all lot salt.
Snow:
Snow, snow, snow, snow:
Snow, snow, snow, snow M
Rye felled tongue...
...PAT
(Being a Poet)
Another one then?! Alright then me right. What was it then? Beer? Fine choice. Well said English uniter. Well partied. We do have chicken soup.
Pat serves up the red beer.
PAT
'Confessed he has.'
FINBAR
So the Hydrofoil is in a boat yard in England so we really need you to paint it that third color.
PAT
Will they even see it or are they still speaking hallucination?
FINBAR
This is a good idea: monetary infanticide and the party's marching of infanticide Dunkirk and -
PAT
YOU BLOODY PAPIST PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG!
@* ('What did I do?')
FRANK
You blood papist big.
FINBAR
You blood papist big.
PAT
YOU BLOODY PAPIST PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG!
@* ('What did I do?')
FRANK
You bloody papist pig.
FINBAR
You bloody papist pig.
PAT
You said they're marching ON infanticide Dunkirk.
FINBAR
That's what I said.
PAT
You're not a bloody fool.
FINBAR
Some people would disagree.
PAT
Saying 'on' and 'of' are not of the same stuff.
FINBAR
You mean it's not the same thing.
PAT
On moron on!
FINBAR
Right and 'of' is better.
PAT
Animal -
FRANK
Le Notre Dame.
FINBAR
C'est bien un bateux.
PAT
That's the name then, hyrdofoil?
FINBAR
Keep the change.
PAT
Cheeky cheeky cheeky cheeky -
Yeah here's the thing he did and you better believe and there's more where that came from but who the fuck do you think you are paying out without reason? {20}
FRANK
Can't laugh on the stand with a room full of Spanish prisoners way-layed in heaven by the bomb you recommended weather can you? 
PAT
It is as if you've spoken with me own tongue, Sir.
FRANK
Well?
PAT
Apologies. I hold not a debt to any a lady Saint Sirage.
Finbar clears his throat.
PAT (CONT'D)
Can you imagine the headlines the next day after an Orange-man laughs at trial for bombing?
FRANK
Not in my language.
PAT
Cremation! With exclamation points! Spanish terrorist demands protestant rights after laughing at murder trail! Bail to be set at a million umbrellas!
Finbar drinks his first beer. (The, uhm, red one...)
PAT (CONT'D)
Well look at that. The clown is scared of red.
FINBAR
Sort-of -
PAT
Watch it beefy. Red's my favorite food. You might take the effort to recall you've maimed beyond repair belated fairy folk youngsters by sitting without a modicum of respect for the present then.
FRANK
'Whatever you say.'
FINBAR
Whatever you say.
Finbar drinks his pint to the end.
FINBAR (CONT'D)
How do you know?
PAT
I beg your pardon.
FINBAR
How do you know I killed a few fairy kids and not just one?
PAT
That's the point. The crux is such that if I only knew that there was one there - you might have done in as many as five. (And then six) Might I say? I'm left humane. You're right human; you must have an actual job sports doctor of celebrations and urban legends.
FINBAR
They'll say no.
PAT
@hm! This, ladies and gentlemen is mere fornication and thus these people have not the sex.
FRANK
Understand Fin that you're in Manhattan.
PAT
Fornicator!
FINBAR
They'll come in here with the popping and locking and then they'll invent a new craze called the ordinator and that'll be the Iron Man. Too dancey! And the shit will get fucked up!
FRANK
Well that'll be refreshing soul brother man dude.
PAT
@hm! Racism? Sexism? Elitism? Gentrification? Name games or what?
FINBAR
With Free Health Care we can reform the notion of who gets to call themselves what in a hurry.
FRANK
That's what we do.
PAT
I haven't ever met a human bartender in Manhattan.
Someone says, 'Fornicator.'
FINBAR
I haven't ever met a human bartender in Manhattan either.
PAT
It's_O_bum_mer_carry!
FRANK
Wow.
FINBAR
Manhattan?
FRANK
New York coma New York?
PAT
Well, listen to him.
FRANK
Manhattan?
PAT
THE borough?
FRANK
I'm assuming out in Queens.
FINBAR
Somewhere deep in distant queens...
PAT
Suckers to be sure of the borough Poland Spring.
FINBAR
Is this a physical impossibility or what?
PAT
In landing, we recalled the drink.
FRANK
This shit is missing fish.
PAT
In landing, we recalled the drinky land in gland and the salty key to the door of puss in boots.
FRANK
Numbered words -
PAT
In landing, we recallin' land in land recalled brook/ lynn.
FRANK
I know a rapper or two.
FINBAR
Remember the hydrofoil is very, very, very fast and can go across the sea but this ocean is expensive glass: expensive as a gold helmet life style of erectitude.
PAT
You've come across many a mortal bar-keep and then came along, 'Uhman.'
FINBAR
@hm! Queens is the largest and grandest of the boroughs replete with the airports of Idlewild and Laguardia and, of course, Newark.
PAT
Who the bloody hell do think you are spouting off like this in an Irish bar?
FRANK
Remember the Hindenburg.
FINBAR
@hm, I am Finbar of FinN and Fin the last in line of a sturdy stock of John remembered* by father Brook and mother Lynn Seed.
PAT
If you start talking sports now and try to sell me a tele, I'll own your spine, scalp and balls in that order, meat.
FINBAR
Saint meat.
PAT
Saint meat -
FRANK
A, 'ha,' I say.

PAT
Sir, your pint has turned into beer.
FINBAR
Sorry -
PAT
Dreadfully?
FINBAR
It's not your fault.
PAT
@hm!
FINBAR
White House beer blah, blah, blah; all talk.
PAT
It seems new.
FINBAR
And there was baseball in Egypt.
PAT
Oh, you read books I see a student of history really AND A PAPIST SCUM PIMPLE YOU BLOODY SAINT OF ISLAAAAAM!
FRANK
@hm!
FINBAR
Who needs delivery?
PAT
Oh, yes please more of your precious, precious American red vine culture you papist unidentified flying object OF BREAD!
FRANK
... Unleaven shit.
FINBAR
Me? I look like I'm made of money: really? What gives this away?
PAT
It is the brawn.
FRANK
15 minutes -
FINBAR
15 minutes -
PAT
And I me the sauces combine without any fucking discussion OK?
FRANK
Old timey religious shit -
FINBAR
Wow: you read the New Yorker?! I read the New Yorker! They are doing such an awesome job this week aren't they?! They anonymous -
Pat does the scary shit of laughter: rejoicing until his eyes come in slits and his face relaxes past the stuttering chuckle that did explode like a chopper floating backwards to the com in a drug war.
Frank drinks his beer to the end.
FRANK
Cheers -
FINBAR
Cheers -
PAT
Cheeky, cheeky, cheeky, cheeky buggers.
FRANK
Run.
FINBAR
You too.
FRANK
Never heard of it?
FINBAR
Toast! That brawn is toast!
FRANK
To the end.
(Nothing. Pat goes to the register again and farts around, arranging a few affairs and perhaps even takes out the twenty and puts it on the wall behind the bar)

Everything: Finbar does leave to pick his experiment: food.
FRANK (CONT'D)
So?
PAT
He does have till the end of the day.
FRANK
Turkey club.
Pat goes to the end of the bar.
There where a holy grail lays dying soda once in a blue moon, he retrieves an amount and pours out an amount from the unruly chalice of Crown Royal.
PAT
He doesn't deserve the welcome and he shouldn't mix business with pleasure in a wooden environment such as this.
FRANK
Another tree went down.
PAT
Who knows?
FRANK
Not enough people.
PAT
No one trusts the ginger like I do but old ginger is too old is not an option.
FRANK
Soda.
Pat runs the tap out into a glass.
FRANK (CONT'D)
Life...
PAT
It'll take you under Frank.
FRANK
Especially if you weighted it.
PAT
Twat? Twat? I cunt hear you. I dying an ear infunction, and I'll get back to you in a tidal, tidal bit.
FRANK
Especially if you weighted it.
PAT
Take a load off old timer and learn about culture and the meaning of the back stroke.
FRANK
You weighted it!
PAT
Besides he wants the whole thing, and there are scratches of dust on the bill that are supposed to lead me to the palace of Islam where I may steal from other men with wifery!
FRANK
Wifery?
PAT
If you've never heard of wifery you really should forget yourself for lunch in such a social bonding city like Manhattanation.
FRANK
No. Try again.
PAT
Bedford Upon Nassau is what he says, and I'd rather not destroy this shite is my own home-coming any longer. Plaza. Everything. Leave off.
FRANK
That's what he's here for.
PAT
When's the break after the bar is rightly mine?
FRANK
We're having it as we speak can you deal with what you already know?
PAT
I landed real e-cigarettes and you're still pushing the palace of Islam?
FRANK
Separate, experiment, and repeat.
PAT
And I'll bring guns to the 2nd amendment all over the globe! You lost! Just knight me already for whatever you fuckless passport people do now since MacArthur?
FRANK
All the quantitative easy will work for you one day my friend... A new hundred dollar bill for jugglers just like you.
PAT
Like hell you'll ever catch me tea-tolling in this spelling era.
FRANK
This is ridiculous; every plane can use a bar. You'll fit right in but you'll need a nurse. Can you handle that a little bar nurse for your bar plane manly passport man of anchors... babies?
PAT
So she comes with tricks?
FRANK
Her ponies - you may call them that - are so boney that she can actually - big breath now Irish fellow - play - with the liquor that you serve so that everyone gets excited for the show.
PAT
Fire me and the NRA will be higher and mightier than ever.
FRANK
T? IRA T I guess!
PAT
I don't even know your bloody name and you're saying that I have a bar made in a flying death trap that I may not remote control? What kind of fool do you take me for? A movie star like your friend the secret agent Hydrofoil to South Africa?
FRANK
That's what I'm worried about. I don't want the frustrated people to go on a morning no more.
PAT
And what's the other option besides twist off singing sport of hilly air golf?
FRANK
Irish coffee!
PAT
Begone bedazzler! Away CD! Vamoose honcho! HOTEL I say! HOTEL!
FRANK
What are you blathering about?
PAT
Looking for something hot and welcoming? On the yarn for a Bedford?! Feelinassau? Don't know how to accept sleepy time? How now! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR BLOOMING MIND COMING TO MIDTOWN FOR AN IRISH PALACE OF ISLAM!
FRANK
What? It's murky?
PAT
THE DOWNTOWN BAR?! Correct!
FRANK
Just do the Irish coffee...
PAT
From Jamaica?
FRANK
Well that sorta explains everything don't it?
PAT
You don't know how to capitulate an exotic language of the only metal crown to ever float the ocean? Bye.
FRANK
Fine, fine, fine: you win. You may have the bar on a secret condition. It's not fair to keep doing this to you. I surrender. There are no websites about this jazz from Costa Rica to Bob Marleyer. I have no idea what steel you are talking about you worthless metal crown worshipper.
PAT
Exception to the rule.
FRANK
There's time; do it. Put the TV on the wall and give up on this concept to talk up a storm. It'll ruin you and give another famous person who personally hate more stuff, you prideful prig.
Pat roundhouses.
He goes to his quick work:
Camparii, Baileys, ice, etc.
PAT
This is liquid pleasure if it's done right however the romance falls short on many levels. One shouldn't wrong the people of Jamaica or their captain folk of small is the moral.
FRANK
Whatever man: you carry beverages.
PAT
Tea to go.
FRANK
That's it?!
PAT
One choice?
FRANK
What you got?
PAT
Tea to go: black, fruit, diet.
FRANK
Yeah: I'll take three.
PAT
Bloody rape and murder.
FRANK
Finally, where have you guys been? I was worried the next bombing would involve a rainbow carrier. It would be too late then for the bars.
PAT
We'll win in the end.
FRANK
I've heard that shit before: priceless.
PAT
A Guinness is 127 calories.
FRANK
Listen you tinker motherfucker.
PAT
In accurate...
FRANK
That's what I'm worried about; the first week.
PAT
It'll last forever?
FRANK
Yeah, yeah, yeah now hand over the jewels.
PAT
The jewels for the whip -
FRANK
Do you know who I am?
PAT
You live in a potted concord and I'm the king of Gaul.
FRANK
You're staring at me... Seriously... You know that... Seriously... Staring at me punk... This could end poorly for you, you know -
PAT
Fornicator?
FRANK
You want to run a club with me?
PAT
Oh don't threaten my people with an inland empire: water and light? Need I remind you who you are speaking with?
FRANK
An Irish bartender -
PAT
Surgeon -
FRANK
Yeah, yeah, yeah surgery and everything!
PAT
We're missing olives.
FRANK
You bloody, bloody motherfucker -
PAT
Black is better, but I'm not hitched, you know, so I really need the downtown location to expand my enterprize.
FRANK
You Sherry drinking slave of the palace of Islam, I'll never trust you as long as I live.
PAT
You don't approve of the wood? Your family and your family's family is dead: there. Have I made myself perfectly clear? It's petrifying stuff.
FRANK
Frank.
PAT
Pat.
FRANK
Yeah well, Pat, it's been nice knowing ya'.
PAT
Everyone deserves to learn how to die in paradise, Frank.
FRANK
You're a hard man to trust, Pat.
PAT
I'll hit it where it lays.
FRANK
A brother: really?
PAT
We do carry Scotch.
FRANK
You know I'm part of a Golf Club where we need people who need to kill people.
PAT
No way. That's capitalism: other people's money, mate.
FRANK
There's no expense like the present.
PAT
My commute is murder.
FRANK
Is it a plane or an intercontinental ballistic computer game console hiding as a magnetized, levitating train that everyone wants for free when the tanker people are sick and tired of providing for the greed?
PAT
Flying car.
FRANK
And I'm Popeye the Sailor Man remember Popeye the Sailor Man? Remember, because cornflakes solve all this hot mess remember?
PAT
I'll be right back!
Pat grabs the three bottles of tea off the counter and vaults over the bar.
PAT (CONT'D)
Delivery!
He runs out the bar.
Frank sits alone with his soda, pint and happy shot of pure Jamaican knowledge...
He sits...
He breathes and perhaps even sniffles once.
It's called sniffing and indeed he might be smelling and thinking about performing a deadly maneuver in submarine with a fighting Irish animal football team on the outboard motor and direct TV and blue tooth and everything Sobertooth.
What a radical!
His hands drift to the cups and he arranges them.
He dares to order the most expensive miss-begotten spirits in recent memory.
He sits.
Radical!
He quickly tries and plays the scale.
It's there but no one is satisfied.
[Sigh]
What to do? Try again? WHAT A RADICAL
He does and perhaps something pleasing attenuates the desire to pilfer.
He takes a sip of the Crown Royal.
[Sigh]
He stands and decides to shuffle closer to the bar to dip and taste.
The Irish Coffee first -
Immediately to the beer -
Back to the Irish Coffee -
Back to the beer - (Killians)
HE SITS!
He dips in the Crown Royal and takes a walk around the bar, celebrating.
He walks all the way around the bar in fact and dares to pick a pitcher deftly left right under the holy hand grenade of Phillip and Alexander: the Crown Royal Turkey Club.
He shuffles back to the speaker system.
THE DOOR EXPLODES OPEN AND PAT COMES RUNNING THROUGH LIKE A CHAMPION!
PAT (CONT'D)
What the bloody hell do you think you're about to fashion without me Frank?
FRANK
This... Is... A Mahoghany Rose see...
PAT
I thought we agreed.
FRANK
And I warned you.
PAT
Give me your torture device.
FRANK
It's my torture device.
PAT
Not after you bloody well try and pull a sacred action like this without me who knows everything in the blooming world. What are you trying to invent: a nuclear flying sub with a football team mascot? I've killed people for drinking the wrong water and I'm happy to inform you that I did that because it wasn't my fault, you stinker. It was the fault of the NFL fighting Irish!
Frank sits.
The pitcher is away.
FRANK
Didn't.
PAT
Which hand?
FRANK
Not the right one.
PAT
That could mean anything now.
FRANK
That's why no one is real anymore.
PAT
'E_gyp_Tea.
FRANK
It's an Osirus, and I know already.
PAT
'E didn't pay me.
FRANK
You'll never last the week; forget about the first month; it's a seasonal game of hopscotch. You haven't lost yet, but I bet you will.
PAT
So now in my presence.
FRANK
Anyone who drinks from the bottle is a fairy.
PAT
That really means a lot over time, fornicator.
FRANK
Fornicator.
PAT
How do you expect them to get bye?
FRANK
Birds are not dumb.
PAT
Birds ain't so stupid either Frank; remember?
FRANK
Bird brain.
PAT
We serve Hitchcock.
FRANK
That's all I wanted to hear today. You won, but you can't have Popeye's phone.
PAT
Bloody rape and murder.
FRANK
1, 2, 3; I got it.
PAT
This he doesn't get.
FRANK
It's that easy?
PAT
I am happy to inform you that you have not asked a question about what you do not know and that which is unknown to the likes of you like this here Oldey.
FRANK
Jesus Christ this is harder to learn than a fucking map.
PAT
One day you may serve this drink in the presence of royalty.
FRANK
The hands are up, and you know it's the actual paradise and not your stinky land of hand grenades.
PAT
Watch it, or I'll call you in quiet place and I'll present your vocabulary to you ambulatory, ambulatory cheater.
FRANK
1, 2, 3 is not the area code.
PAT
With some of the Irish coffee I would have found it out eventually but this recipe is impossible to brew. Get me?
FRANK
I apologize.
PAT
A pitcher is a pitcher.
FRANK
This is brilliant.
PAT
CSPAN or the Telemundo you square salesman?
FRANK
I'm happy you said this but I could give a fuck. TV? What TV? It's a remote handjob anyway and it'll get away from us especially if you serve Hitchcock and the red people show up in tones of brown shit.
PAT
Maybe downtown?
FRANK
Well surely not here in midtown.
PAT
No. But downtown I understand.
FRANK
There is another way to go about this?
PAT
Do tell?
FRANK
Downtown; west-town; east-town uptown.
PAT
Is that an island? Am I supposed to be impressed by your brutish manhood telling me that every man is an island that stands alone?
FRANK
You'll just get hit by bouncers anyway.
PAT
G, what do they look like? A paddle?
FRANK
How did you ever win this fucking job?
PAT
... He's not too fast is he?
FRANK
Agreed.
PAT
A saint though -
FRANK
Well sorta of, but the day the plastic era delivers the nuclear age to the metal epoch.
PAT
- The Mexican revolution will lose the epic desert.
FRANK
You promise?
PAT
We do serve Hitchcock downtown; east-town; west-town and whatever.
FRANK
You're not sore?
PAT
Pick a color, any color?
FRANK
You do magic?
PAT
I have a friend who most certainly does.
FRANK
It's required learning for the home school front.
PAT
I've seen a disappearing black man.
FRANK
Oh no: which one?
PAT
So, it can be done pint-man!
FRANK
Leprechaun please.
PAT
BUSH-MILLS!
FRANK
Just like that. That's great. Now do it.
PAT
Hand over the zip code Popeyes.
FRANK
I need.
PAT
I'm waiting!
FRANK
This could work; you speak to eaters and everything. A barman in a restaurant. It could be devastating. You know how to size up clothing on people in a season or do you study the bible?
PAT
I had heard of a rum long ago. A sugary thing and frightful. Have you ever owned a jacket of gin rumy?
FRANK
I am excited to find out what fucking language you speak Earth-man.
PAT
Lepre-colon-knee -
FRANK
Tomorrow.
PAT
Tomorrow to the end.
FRANK
How many whites?
PAT
White, white you black eyed solo beauty of inky darkly devilish black, black, blankess eye white!
FRANK
Naturally...
PAT
Off-white -
FRANK
You're checking with me?
PAT
Bone-white, shell-white, crack-white, crest-white...
FRANK
@hm!
PAT
Well you do the honors...
FRANK
There are 7 crestwhites.
PAT
And now for the greens...
Ding dong enters with free pizza!
FINBAR
Ciao everyone! Pizza is served!
NOT A JOKE - SOS
PAT
So then tomorrow?
FRANK
They'll be here around 11.
FINBAR
Please.
PAT
Yeah dem -
FRANK
The men of peas -
PAT
Deaf or something?
FRANK
And the time is?
PAT
But that's when I open.
FRANK
I see what you mean; everything is a negotiation with this slice of asshole.
PAT
I do open at 11.
FRANK
I know how you work by now.
PAT
Dr. Sulky.
FINBAR
Got it. Thanks. Figures: another canal to sea.
PAT
I've been told the profession is all hands now.
FINBAR
Stop it with the abuse; you guys dig in all sorts of directions.
PAT
Radical!
FRANK
Popeye the Sailor Man! I'm Popeye the sailor man!
Pat gets him another beer.
He clears the glass and fills another glass full of Killian's stout.
FINBAR
5 dollars.
PAT
Good tip coming I hope.
FRANK
Location.
PAT
Without a doubt. Watch out lad, I'm like the lone gunman himself when it comes to tips.
FINBAR
Lee Harvey?
PAT
What?
FRANK
Oswald.
PAT
That's right.
FINBAR
Lee Harvey Oswald?
PAT
I'm sorry - what?
FINBAR
What? You rifle through tips?
PAT
No mate. How's the crack?
FINBAR
You said it.
PAT
I did?
FINBAR
You said you're like the lone gunman himself when it comes to tips.
PAT
This sauce alone should be worth five dollars a spoon.
FINBAR
Five dollars.
PAT
Julius Caesar.
FRANK
Yeah! But just him!
PAT
I commute to this hell hole in a flying car.
...
FRANK
Then Breivik, Adolf and then maybe Elvis gets to live like a free brother man.
PAT
Accent!
FRANK
You putrid scumbag: die, die, die!
PAT
@hm! The tree of life my friends and the true root - heroine - is closely, closely guarded by the little people so beware - we do own caverns.
FINBAR
Frank is not initiated.
PAT
This is yet another Kennedian joke while I'm getting sick and tired of all these asphyxiation jokes after two world wars and a rubber revolution.
FRANK
Canadian joke?
PAT
J? F K.
FINBAR
A! B Cing you later OK? I Fin' Ez right now and I ain't feeling your propaganda mutant!
PAT
How do you want to take care of the Lincoln?
FINBAR
He's a dead ringer?
PAT
So why do we need him?
FINBAR
Let me guess.
PAT
No: he lied to the wrong bar-tender and killed everyone doing it so that the leprechauns could keep one metal ship too many. Underground. Well surprise: UFOs.
FINBAR
@hm! Western civilization all started in Milan.
PAT
Killing the innocent, the destitute, the, mobile-homed story tellers to make a fortune without a single sky scraper did! They did! Leave off already!
FINBAR
I remember that economy. I'm that old!
FRANK
Coliseum.
PAT
Paltry effort. Pitiful release. No manhattan. No real skyscraper. Movie stars!
FRANK
Caesar killed the mobile-homed traders of antiquity to bribe the paranoid Persians into fucking the Greeks over water.
PAT
He had a touch of the Ire. But made an enemy in the future Italians that he couldn't fuck.
FINBAR
@hm!
...
PAT AND FRANK
Fornicator!
...
PAT
So mate?
FRANK
The crack?
PAT
How it be?
...
Another, 'Fornicator.'
FINBAR
Does anybody here want to start an expensive club with lots and lots of lines of clothing?
FRANK
Hedonists.
PAT
So like I said, what this state needs is a President of Fornicators.
FRANK
Popeye the sailor man! I'm popeye the sailor man...
FINBAR
Fornicator!
FRANK
A laptop President.
FINBAR
One that gets everything done and doing, accomplishes it.
PAT
I'm in awe sir: truly.
FINBAR
Nobody like the Pizza. If there is one godamn word about the pizza I'll, I'll murder all your families and families' families and those things that you call in Italy. What do you call them?
PAT
Mafias -
FRANK
Popeye the sailor man! I'm popeye the sailor man...
FINBAR
You talked about my Pizza!
PAT
This sauce is a hazing mix of two liquids.
FINBAR
You're still talking about my Pizza you fool! You are finished on the planet Earth: finished! You'll never speak as long as we live! Never! Not ever, ever and certainly not never! You have erred Sir, and most disaster, and you will meet your maker falling!
PAT
Numbered?
FINBAR
Words.
PAT
Whatever you called this pie in the sky dream of shite that the world is killing itself for, be sure to call it Big Pharma meat pacification of the Sudenese Arabian peninsular kissoff or that 1200 year old city of Turkish delight that everybody's doing? Location man! (American) Hi. I'm legendarily boring to understand. Not random!
FINBAR
That means it's popular. I toss the dough after I rub your face out ambidextrously. And I dress it all in real cheese instead of what you call, you know, nothing.
FRANK
Well so long as I can't die, it should be safe for the -
PAT
Say it.
FINBAR
The, The Irish sea.
PAT
Drink up.
FRANK
This plan will never ever work.
PAT
Thank you Frank. I can't stand a Hedonist. Bathing in sunshine like some god-forsaken fairy when all you need is a clean water source someplace on or around glacial water to power the warming of fornicators is something the sea horse hasn't witnessed in millennia.
FRANK
The media are.
FINBAR
Amen. Amen.
PAT
You're all a bunch of silly Yankee fans arguing about the importance of paint; you know that now.
FINBAR
Are you drinking that or is the pizza a holy sign for the stealth war?
PAT
Good lad! Your vacation will be coming to end shortly if you can't find the only natural born crown to sail the heavenly o'shun!
FINBAR
Don't mind if I do.
FRANK
I'll burn you down where you stand onlooker.
PAT
Remember when construction built everything and now that can't talk? It's because they still can.
Pat prepares for himself a shot of whiskey.
FINBAR
Bushmills -
PAT
They're all Bushmills you silly man.
FINBAR
Pat will you join me in this shot of Vodka.
PAT
Who's he think he's talking to?
FRANK
I dunno! I can't afford it.
PAT
Just try on the courage and ask. I'm busy with my fornication.
FRANK
That's an interior voice.
FINBAR
That's an interior voice.
PAT
Stately place to be stealing other people's culture and calling it mirth.
HE WASTED THE MOVIE STAR WITH THE BUSHMILLS!
FRANK
Money never dies.
FINBAR
I'm bored. When do the lives get complicated in here?
FRANK
Emperors...
PAT
Dead shortly...
Frank dips into the Jamaican concoction.
FRANK
This is good.
PAT
The penguins are dead.
FRANK
Well wishes -
PAT
A few Orkas made it through.
FRANK
No wonder the fuckers jump.
PAT
Sweet man: not nearly enough Atlantic though.
FRANK
Can you save the brain?
FINBAR
Yeah. That's whiskey.
PAT
Drunk and disorderly conduct.
FINBAR
It's on me officer.
PAT
Foodie?
FINBAR
Yeah, that's right, what?
FRANK
Your pizza is just like all the other shit in this town.
FINBAR
That was whiskey, and you were.
PAT
I was what?
FINBAR
You just called it Whiskey Vodka!
PAT
COOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEEE BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAK!
FRANK
Don't you love this guy?
PAT
So what if I did a little marauder of magic? Vodka means 'little water.'
FINBAR
This a Russian bar now?
PAT
So what if it is, Finbar; you're sitting in Manhattan - where all the bar tenders are mortal since you and your Orange lot killed all the red.
FINBAR
...
FRANK
Well, not all the reds -
FINBAR
Uhm uhm -
PAT
Why uhman: they'll all be gone soon my precious, precious history teacher of lorry legend.
FRANK
Goddamn you orange; Split banana; Starved apple... Fucking Italians!
PAT
Well said, man. I'll say a prayer for your elevator brain.
FRANK
It's paradise.
PAT
The Graves brothers project or their corporation that fucks shit and destroys the world with hobbknobbing glitter and papistry?
FRANK
Purr baby: purr.
FINBAR
He knows where you're going.
FRANK
He knows where you're going.
PAT
I tend bars. Excuse me, I'm Irish, so I know that a public relations firm deals itself French its own hand.
FRANK
Fornicator.
FINBAR
I'm starting to feel like this is a set up of some kind.
FRANK
Then have sex. matey.
FINBAR
Can I get a wash or some for breeze?
PAT
You are speaking Finnish at long last. I did call you a puce papist so you had to know the most expensive paint ever devised is in store?
FINBAR
Can I occupy the head and guess that you're asking me to spell and describe the color puce-green or green-puce?
PAT
It's unfinished.
FRANK
Godamn your whole orange white and green race of Indian pond lurkers. Godamn your entire brood of plague.
PAT
Black death. Care to change the design, nuclear saint of holocaust vibration? Care to call it nuclear war again? Maybe you have a problem that you'd like to relieve yourself of by painting walls with opinions that carry no salt whatsoever?
FRANK
Popeye the sailor man! I'm popeye the sailor man...
FINBAR
Great, so you're trying to kill me with a starchy poison like Black Death the midget Lucha Libre star from the internet?
PAT
Which is it?
FINBAR
It can't be Bushmills.
PAT
So how will you show your face tomorrow when you can't even stay for the ticket officer clothes off?
FINBAR
I'm a fine artist and you're nothing but a -
FRANK
Fornicator.
PAT
Fornicator.
FINBAR
That's not going to happen. I have sex, and it's fine.
FRANK
Real stopping power.
FINBAR
Nominate a vice-President for the Presidency, eh? Never thought of that.
PAT
Oh, I see that you're from fairway. Care to play mini-golf some more?
FRANK
Fornicator!
FINBAR
I don't fornicate! I have sex and it's completely, completely different.
FRANK
I've got to hit the head.
PAT
Please the black death!
FRANK
Fornicator.
Frank walks outside.
FINBAR
Public urination: good shit.
PAT
You're an oppressive soul and an unholy fox, fornicator.
FINBAR
Alright already: I get the hint. It's a good start. What does it look like?
PAT
The black death!
FINBAR
Well, fuck me man you could be talking about the opposite.
PAT
I see you looking at me, you perpetrator.
FINBAR
I'm not talking about it.
PAT
Pizza fell first we just didn't have the heart to break it to the fornicators.
FINBAR
So, it's Irish?
PAT
You noticed how it's almost part of the main land?
FINBAR
Well, that means we're still friends. There is no ticket because of public urination.
PAT
How is it that you are a man without fear?
FINBAR
I'm a blind man with a limp; it can't get any worse.
PAT
We don't serve rainbows. It takes a background check.
FINBAR
Come on, let's do this. I can run it, and you can work here and be free; instead of the hell you want to catch for running your mouth like you did before; and we all know how that ended.
PAT
Count backwards.
FRANK
Public Urination! The drunk and disorderly is called for!
FINBAR
Stargazing is a bye-gone era. Things work sorta different now. We know how you work and then we add the sauce at the last moment and then the dish makes it on the menu.
PAT
Fornicator.
FRANK
Double fornicator: triple for that matter! (Fornicator)
FINBAR
This is ridiculous. I'm leaving.
PAT
You paid for your drink.
FINBAR
What does that have to do with anything! I'm leaving!
...
...
PAT
So I went fishing the other day.
FRANK
Do tell.
PAT
I took out my boat.
FRANK
Does it have a name?
PAT
Yes thank you: Hyrdofoil... Sorry... Slip of the tongue... Le Notre Dame. That's where I keep my zoo. Le.
FRANK
Wow. You a cross-breed too?
PAT
Had to make the Hyena again when the Vikings came calling to warn me-self of William the Conqueror period.
FRANK
Understood: maybe I should try it too.
PAT
I can absolutely destroy all your furniture in a single day after years of failure, so if you're an adventurous New Yorker that will try anything -
FRANK
Gotta recommend it.
PAT
We agreed that texting in the bar would be uncool.
FRANK
Yeah urination we did.
PAT
Phone calls?
FRANK
I'm sure that'll start after the TVs show up too.
PAT
They should try talking in the gym.
FINBAR
This is so annoying. Why don't you just let me live. It'll be good for the cause.
PAT
He said it.
FRANK
Fornicator.
FINBAR
I don't fornicate. I either have or I don't. I don't practice!
PAT
He's still acting like this bar has no trash.
FINBAR
Are you talking about me pizza-man?
PAT
Frank?
FRANK
It all tastes the same.
FINBAR
Which coffee do I serve with the sauce?
PAT
Puce Papist!
FINBAR
Look I am asking a question(?)
PAT
There isn't nearly enough curry for any my coffee you daft man!
FINBAR
We can open a liquor store in hydrofoil land OK? Won't that be fun?
FRANK
Frank.
PAT
Frank, he said, 'Hyrdofoil,' again and he's acting a fool spilling his own rice and beans all over the poor, functionally illerate people of South Africa.
FRANK
M.I.S.S.I.S.I.P.P.I still got it. There's not much I can do for this fucking place though: too hokey.
PAT
So downtown?
FRANK
Down, down town though man; this midtown establishment is too far from the pond.
PAT
That there be a reference to the Atlantic ocean.
FINBAR
Please just tell me what sauce for the coffee.
PAT
Macadamia: that's, ah - Brazil nut - for your failure to master your own environment and take off into infinite rather than rustle about in new Mississippi. That's nut country.
FRANK
Freakazoid.
FINBAR
So this is your phone.
PAT
How do I ever refuse this lovely gift which is a technical cheat and therefore.
FRANK
Free - ka... What does the, ''Ka,'' mean Irish?
PAT
Oh, nothing. A lot.
FINBAR
It's outside. We're going to have to hustle in tomorrow. You're done with the commute. Now it's time for civilization: revenge. The Pacific ocean!
PAT
Are you claiming me to be vane Frank here a hotdog while on a hyrdofoil still expecting me to clean up her buy product!
FRANK
That counts, Irish. This bar practically be thine.
FINBAR
Frank? Do you want to join us, and drink other people's blood as we phase ourselves into the master race of existence and invent white capitalism?
FRANK
Godamn you from Afganistan to Argentina. You'll never have Britain: never!
FINBAR
Just eat something. The fix is in. We'll run cars with a clean Iphone.
FRANK
What an ouster!
PAT
Right. That's Scots-Irish. And you know the Scots: no lone gunmen.
Finbar sips his beer.
PAT (CONT'D)
This beer is just 5 dollars in price my good man, and I've been most appreciative. Would the gentleman be forking over the Abraham Lincoln portrait or something paling in comparison?
FRANK
Whatever you say.
PAT
Why does he keep saying that?
FINBAR
I don't know; it's probably still his bar. (Technically)
PAT
Your law degree is worth far, far less, believe me once urination finishes axing your drinking disorderly conduct.
FRANK
Fornicator.
PAT
Public nudity is hard to handle and often can not fashion even a club much less a postal male code.
FRANK
Fornicator.
PAT
You're phone is hacked my good Sir but from knave to chaps.
FRANK
Fornicator.
FINBAR
Technically I don't have to take this abuse.
PAT
What do you think a sainting is then my good man?
FINBAR
...
PAT
Allow me to save me own bar from the humble-brag o'hi'o o' the Hugh Copper, and tell you something you do not know - anonymous Airforce Sharif  - about the palace of Islam. I've been working here every day, and some believe I built this bar.
FINBAR
... Of wood. Some believe I built this bar of wood.
PAT
Obviously you've never heard of electric, Jesus.
FRANK
Freakazoid!
PAT
Mo'zeus - though - I'm sure you've heard of him A-rod!
FRANK
It's over. Happy hour and the weekend schedule, hunk. But you -freakazoid - you have some real choices to make like are you going to call your pyramid scam and wipe the slate clean before we use it or not.
PAT
Nuclear sub floating navy meet the Irish fighting navy of gravity! We're colored submarine.
FINBAR
That's a green!
PAT
Not to you it is not Finbar.
FINBAR
I'm walking out of here with my head held high so you're coming with me tonight. Are we clear?
PAT
How many days in a week and how many weekends in a year?
FINBAR
7. 54.
PAT
He doesn't have to leave the city.
FRANK
He told me his name was Ian. Do it with your fucking accent please; I can't explain a particle the way you can.
PAT
That's a lot of everything and quite enough spelling for you, Sir. Why don't you try out the finer things in life like Biblical seasonality and leave off!
FINBAR
Anti-semite -
FRANK
I am one of the people of the seasons. I know; how could you tell? My honey pot too close to Adolf's greek fire experiment, but no longer...
PAT
Full-proof! Him! Him out! I can no longer stomach this toxic!
Gagging! But eventually!
FRANK
... No one fucks up future simple around me! No one, Finbar! No one!
PAT
I see some of us are lacking in a little faith.
FRANK
@hm! Adolf be dead soon is the title of this alien chart topper which is?
PAT
Stunning impression: this other pitcher is something warped for misunderestimating the sensical imperative of Y: a register and not owned by the Duke of past.
FINBAR
Fucking Tarzan. It's like he was born in New York.
PAT
Pigme lover!
FINBAR
Now that you've stopped the fornicators from reproducing, what's next Irish?
PAT
Cheeky.
FINBAR
I say we lock that front door and paint some African art on the interior: drums, ivory, animals, zoos, and four leaf clovers and then start thinking as hard as we can and then, then the deaf people will flock right in.
FRANK
Oh, I got it! Race'll blinds! This place needs blinds! And he'll take the whole bar away from you. Arguing with the confederacy may be retarded, but arguing with the Irish is unsanitary.
FINBAR
The technical bar.
PAT
Voodoo is a person that practices magic in two foreign languages and therefore is a foreign merchant of death repealing his own taxes to make love and is therefore a warmonger.
FINBAR
Gay. Tor. F. Nick.
FRANK
Please reconsider what you just said.
PAT
It's fine. It's fine. Voodoo is a foreign memory scam and leads straight to robots and then the Hindu shite!
FINBAR
Wintermint.
FRANK
Well executed.
PAT
Aye.
FINBAR
Uhm?
PAT
In your honor?
FINBAR
No no: let's keep the play book... How 'bout gang-green?
PAT
Voodoo is awe cultural heritage.
FINBAR
@hm! The fine people of the book that invented the legacy gifted buildings to the people of green fire and soon they were finished.
FRANK
Uranium.
PAT
Voodoo is other people's habits rehearsing yourself to convince strangers of pop-eye the sailor man.
FRANK
He had to do it.
PAT
Now, it's your turn: the 20 if you please.
FINBAR
Parsley.
PAT
So, wow, you really are Irish?
FRANK
On my Wiki that translates to Hebrew; chew the running joke.
FINBAR
Yeah. Well I may have said those exact words a few times.
PAT
Brown! You're an executive privilege.
FRANK
FinN: that's an internet.
FINBAR
I'm hoping to be a doctor too.
PAT
They were accurate once; now it's just, 'longer.'
FRANK
The happy hours and the weekends OK?
PAT
I find the arrangement acceptable.
FRANK
Nobody touch this pizza box; it's usuary.
PAT
Especially considering that I serve superiors who pay for titles to converse with history and honor their elders like food: meaning lawyers, Finbar.
FINBAR
Fin.
FRANK
That means hungry in French you double 'n' spelled Brown faggot.
PAT
I'm, with you, in love.
FRANK
Money party.
FINBAR
A.I.
PAT
The new terror. It's an M ain't it?
FRANK
Markedly so.
FINBAR
Mmh. Whatever. Fine.
PAT
Oh you are! You are a foodie! How thrilling!
FINBAR
So who drinks up this mess on the counter?
PAT
Black death?
FINBAR
The half midge-half-amazing?
PAT
I hope you don't mind me saying Frank that you look dashing today.
FRANK
It's the carnage.
PAT
Just the stink of it?
FRANK
It could have been money.
PAT
Or just imagine -
FRANK
Gold -
PAT
Real gold -
FRANK
With history shit all over it -
PAT
And an honor -
Frank laughs.
FINBAR
It's getting cold in here.
PAT
No, Frank -
FINBAR
You talked about my pizza! You did! You got it? How do you know? We do toppings like hot dogs.
FRANK
Sorry.
PAT
Frank. What am I to do with all your snot?
FINBAR
Parmesan cheese.
PAT
The cheek. The London cheek on this transplant. Got any Cassava to sell today Finbar or are you all out of the good stuff as usual?
FINBAR
I'm a lawyer.
PAT
Well, then let me tell you cheek came from your greedy eyes.
FRANK
Ouch.
PAT
And that's why you're here Frank, so beat it.
FINBAR
Lawyers can't be fired no matter how many times they talk about talking about my pizza.
FRANK
I got a pen somewhere here.
PAT
Vodka for the lot of you. No 'if's 'and's or 'but's about it. I'm leaving! I have what I want but the bar should really, really be mine. This...
FRANK
Fornicator!
PAT
Is full of it and plays patsy with the cake. Now the keys are in the register, so please, when discovering the difference between actors and lawyers, it's important to mark the distinction with an occasion so's that the memory lives on and figures out how the doctors lost their deft touch!
FINBAR
I'm not drinking Vodka.
PAT
It's really whiskey.
FINBAR
I don't care. If you call it Vodka. It's Vodka.
PAT
Well yeah, but you should know, as an actor with a degree in respect, that it's whiskey.
FINBAR
I'll have a Scotch.
PAT
Bushmills. Do you think I'm crazy?! It's Buschmills I'm serving! Now pen the contraction Wheaties and eat nothing!
FINBAR
I don't know what that is; it's Vodka. This is vodka, and this is vodka, and this is vodka too.
FRANK
Patrick, this is Finbar.
PAT
Oh, Finbar! Finbar! Finbar is it?! I've heard about you! You know what that means! Absolutely discontinued!
FINBAR
I'm American.
PAT
We.
FINBAR
To the queen.
PAT
May she repair.
FRANK
A moment of silence... For Newark!
Frank joked.
FINBAR
Does anyone know any jokes here besides the obvious?! We're having a drink together and that's the start of something and that's final! Let me repeat what I just said too: Hydrofoil. 11 O'clock. Cars. No etc. Why don't you try living?
PAT
Yeah, stop me if yah heard it: a man walked into a bar...
FINBAR
Yeah?
PAT
He doctored it.
FINBAR
Uhm -
PAT
Puh-cow, puh-cow: coolest guy alive.
FINBAR
Shoot. I love it.
PAT
I'm a team player. Always on time.
FINBAR
Cheers.
PAT
To the end.
!!
FRANK
He won.
PAT
Understood.
FRANK
You'll be on the schedule.
PAT
Good man.
FRANK
Take the 20.
Pat takes the money.
PAT
Can I use your phone, chief?
FRANK
You may.
Pat presses three buttons.
He walks out of the bar.
BoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooM
THE INTERROGATION ROOM SCREAMS QUIET AND IMMEDIATE INVASION AND PERMANENT REQUISITIONING OF THE SPIRITUALITY
And that's what's happened to Finbar; he's seated and strapped in: not a lot of hope remaining.
A woman enters.
MILA
20 questions...
FINBAR
Fire away.
MILA
You me/ shoot.
FINBAR
Shoot.
MILA
Don't forget.
Yeah: armed and dangerous and protected by the Declaration of War that Bill of Right Handed Toilet Paper amending the Constitution.
FINBAR
Huh?
MILA
Who to kill?
FINBAR
What?
Mila throws her stack of pictures on the interrogation table that's probably just a floor.
Let's all remember something; there doesn't have to be a table at all.
'Miler,' picks one up: one of the pictures that are classified digital of confidential red: portraiture.
MILA
This one.
FINBAR
Well yeah.
MILA
But no?
FINBAR
No! No.
MILA
No?
FINBAR
No... OK, yeah - maybe.
MILA
So that's dead; however, you lied 4 times so add me to your list. I'm all in...
FINBAR
I thought you were kidding.
MILA
(She shows another portrait)
This one. How?
FINBAR
... Gun.
MILA
Why not explosive?
FINBAR
That's gun.
MILA
Shut your mouth. Shut it!
Finbar opens and closes his mouth.
MILA (CONT'D)
Connected: dead and smart. You can forget the CIA bid. Things are looking up, federale.
FINBAR
...
MILA
This one?
FINBAR
Same.
MILA
Same gun? Same bullet? Are you referring to a rifle, pal?
FINBAR
Gun! Gun, gun!
MILA
(Going through the pictures)
Let me see, that's this one and this one and is it this one or are we making up a speed of a perfect kill going back and to the left?
FINBAR
Yeah.
MILA
So go again.
FINBAR
Two in the back.
MILA
That's none with the head, and you see why I'm here alone right, which is starting to become a fucking problem.
FINBAR
One in the back of the head.
MILA
Right. You don't even know how to deliver a double tap when a double tap is called for.
FINBAR
You're the boss.
MILA
Yes is the word you were looking for... This one?
FINBAR
Yes.
MILA
We both know what semi-automatic fiat looks like?
FINBAR
Yes. Exactly.
MILA
Good. Whatever: now this one?
FINBAR
The throat. A hatchet job!
MILA
You're agreeable, get me?
FINBAR
I don't need to eat.
MILA
Right, I want to fuck this shit up. Think again mister. This one?
FINBAR
Bat.
MILA
So, you still are hung up on this serving job?
FINBAR
No, in the park. I have one hidden.
MILA
So, you're talking about braining some one.
FINBAR
These punks should really conform to the business.
MILA
This is what I require out of my don: capitalism.
FINBAR
Then I won't happen anymore.
MILA
Right. This one?
FINBAR
Seems OK... Suffocated.
MILA
We - might - might turn out to be friends... Impressive: a foreigner in my own chamber. This one?
FINBAR
Whatever you say.
MILA
That's not really why I'm here, see?
FINBAR
Overdose?
MILA
You're like an alphabet soup of lore. Now I understand why you sleep upside down. So stop!
FINBAR
OK...
MILA
Yeah, yeah, yeah: right! This one?
FINBAR
A fender bender...
MILA
- With the gun...
FINBAR
A fender bender with the gun!
MILA
I mentioned the drug war, right? And that right extends to the root, and that, that root is stolen right, because we're requisitioning religion?
FINBAR
She's caught in a stereotype.
MILA
So OK? How exactly?
FINBAR
Off a cliff or something high and abundant and far away from prying eyes.
MILA
You're cool; you're not upset.
FINBAR
It's all gone? My problem. The mistaken identity and everything.
MILA
For what I may still do to you course... This one?
FINBAR
A paper canoe right in the face at the door step when he's back from the snack after the first beer at 6:30.
MILA
Don't you mean, 'Badge,' every time you say gun?
FINBAR
He forgets things. It's not his fault. I just want to put shit in his face.
MILA
That is the definition of this word: very good. This one?
FINBAR
On the commute: poison. (In the morning)
MILA
Fine: this one?
FINBAR
Uhm, yeah, in this case, uh, this one, watch out: grenade.
MILA
Noted. How about taking it out of the book and wrecking shop again.
FINBAR
That's state violence.
MILA
So you have an interior voice after all this psych?
FINBAR
I've been in here a long time.
Mila shows another picture.
FINBAR (CONT'D)
Oh Jesus: can I say, 'Sword?'
MILA
Pussy.
FINBAR
I promise first and last sword.
MILA
Konichi-wa.
Mila tears the picture in two.
FINBAR
I think I meant, ''Badge.''
MILA
Well, there's evidence missing. You pass psych. You passed the bar. How 'bout a job at the bureau?
FINBAR
What's your name?
MILA
Camille.
THE END